7 years
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| I'm sorry you did not graduate 4 years ago. I am sorry I did not see you as you are; intelligent, creative, nurturing, funny, highly social and strong willed. I am sorry I let fear and what others said in the past and said in the present, what they thought or possibly thought keep me from letting you be your best, which is just simply you. I'm sorry that now when you have another opportunity to finally get that masters degree you worked so long and hard for that I won't let you let go of your mistakes and just go for it. I'm sorry that I keep on making you hold on to your baggage, which is in some weird way my idea of making it better- your pennance you must pay for what you did. I'm sorry that I refused to see and let you see that every one makes mistakes, you are not the exception and less than or inept because of the mistakes you have made. I'm sorry that again I let fear of failure, fear of repeating the same mistake, fear of success, fear of running out of time, fear of not doing it ''right'' or the ''ideal and just plane old fear keep you from making progress and moving forward in your life. I am sorry that you lost your mother in the midst of all this and that in the process, even though you were begging for it, pleading for it that I did not step up and mother you myself. I am sorry that I second guess every thing you do and think is best for you and in the process end up hurting you and making you confused and locked in inertia. I am sorry that again I let thoughts and hurts from the past from what other people said or may have said or thought and jealousy and envy dominate what I thought of you and not let you be your best, not let you just be. I am sorry that I never thought you were good enough, smart enough, pretty enough or capable enough. I'm sorry that I never thought you were enough. I'm sorry that I put the unrealistic and confining expectation of perfection upon you. I 'm sorry that I set you up to fail, I'm sorry that I did not let your humanness, your humor or your creativity shine. I 'm sorry that I refused to see you as god sees you, but instead kept on listening to the lies that the devil whispered into my ear. This is my apology to me. I have spent a lifetime afraid to see the best in me, to see all of me. I have spent a lifetime afraid to see and speak highly of myself. I have an opportunity to accomplish my goals and move forward in my life, but in order to do that I must put down that baggage. Today I am taking this opportunity with both hands wide open. I am finishing my thesis and getting my masters degree. I am moving forward with my life. I am seeing me as god sees me, i refuse to listen to the lies the devil tries to tell me about myself, I am seeing the best of me and all of me and I am seeing and speaking highly of myself. I am sorry and I forgive me. |
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