Dear Lord: I have lost my lifelong struggle to seek truth and meaning. There are several contributing factors, and I feel that if I type some of them out, you might d me your wisdom through some of the text.
Factor 1: Depression. I now realize that my level of faith and desire to be a good person wax and wane, depending on what stage my depression cycle is in.
So it doesn’t alarm me that, even though I have prayed and begged, promised and given everything I still feel that either I am not reaching out to you properly or you are not reaching back.
Also, the lack of self esteem that my depression contributes to–and cowardness also does–leads me to wonder if I am just one of the people you have chosen to make an example out of.’ I sometimes picture myself as Pharaoh, and you telling Moses that I will not concede, as you have turned my heart to bitterness in order to use me for your purposes.
I seem unable to access goodness. Once I made a leap of faith, and that was powerful enough. I tried to gather up that faith again but felt short.
Now I feel I have turned towards the one thing I was afraid of, and now that I have nothing more to be afraid of in matters of religion, my Jihad is over, but instead of winning, I feel I just gave up.
Time and again, I have tried to hold on to one shred of withering faith, holding onto a rope with a grip that’s almost gone so I can get a better grip and pull myself up again. Part of me thinks that the reason I have no faith is that I see myself, and not Christ, as the stabilizing force.
But I have made repetitive surrenders and felt nothing in response. I sometimes tell myself that I have felt no response because my willpower isn’t strong enough, and I’m not ready to face the truth of what You require of me.
But I don’t think that’s true, as I have prepared myself even to give up any and every vice if that’s what you require of me and live in poverty, a life of charity, if that is what you want me to do.
But it seems that you don’t want me to do anything, Lord. And I’m tired of fighting myself, telling myself you love me and have a purpose for me, even that you can forgive me for some of the horrible things I’ve done.
I have already let go and let God but God apparently doesn’t want to do whatever I’m letting You do.
I really want you to use me for some good purpose. I see good, kind people helping others and I want to find that job where I can be of any use to anyone or just have the personality to comfort and heal people.
I do what I can but I’m very weird, and most people find that off-putting so it’s never going to be enough.
And now, I end this letter with a quote from a pop song that perfectly describes how I feel: ??It’s time to face the truth; I will never be with you.??