I think it is just all a bit hard right now. I got a milestone birthday in 25 days, and I feel like I have gone no-where in my life.

When I lose something like this… I get into a spiral of wondering what I did wrong.

And even though I am asking for help… I hate it at the same time.

Not that I don’t want that help.

But it seems people start pointing out all the things I have been doing wrong are just more signs of failure because it always seems to be something where ‘I should have known better’ or ‘I should have done it differently.’

Because I know people only expect me to be perfect all the time, and it is just a reminder I can’t do that. I mean, no one has ever given me, the Stan, a break for being ‘good enough’ (or even just being the Stan) even though ironically that is what I want more then anything in the world.

But.. I am the Stan… I am supposed to have all the answers, all the time, and be able to do everything perfectly. but if I slip just one bit, it means total failure.

And it doesn’t help when I vent that people say I am too hard on myself and I need to forgive myself.

Because even when I do that, it doesn’t change the external reality of my surroundings. So I just hold on until i get some sleep, and hope that resets everything in my head long enough i can take one more step. I get jealous of people who can fail upward… they don’t know how lucky they have it…