if there is god ! listen to me someday

I don’t know if there is god or hope! i confess that I was sexually abused by my own relative when I was 13. I failed to retaliate as my mother was very ill and needed support from my relative’s family!

but i guess i paid the price for it never had the courage to admit as it hurt! it hurts deeply my father had an extra marital affair at the same moment and my mother was away! I bear the consequence to keep their marriage intact i fear this anger and helplessness would kill me slowly and painfully i can’t decide whether to forgive or punish the abuser! i definitely feel castrating the guy

but then I owe responsibilities to my family! the best part is I felt I m strong enough but I cry at times they say god is watching! god controls everything but I wana him to just listen to me once! or hold my hand i m quite dead already! and if God is watching – why this since i can fight and I would die trying but then god – some fine day u have to answer…