I just have to get this out.
For years I’ve lived a life of fear and stress and have coped the best I can with it.
I don’t think I can be happy in this life but I’m okay with doing what I can for others and learning what I can or what God wants me to learn.
I guess I’ve resisted God at times but have always believed in him and felt he looked out for me. He knows that.
I’ve got some medical issues that make life somewhat difficult but I’ve put up with them. Sometimes they aren’t so bad and I can actually feel pretty good.
Othertimes just getting through the day without screaming and losing it is the best I can do.
I’ve held on hoping for a couple of things. Praying to see the world end with Gods intention. Is that wrong? Just knowing that my struggles are over and we’re all moving on is comforting.
I’d be happy with the rapture or a meteor hit and making my peace with God. Or dying in my sleep or in a car accident.
I can’t committ suicide. I say I couldn?t but if my life was really terrible, I was completely disabled or terminally ill or completely alone I probably could. I couldn?t hurt my family that but at the same time I feel trapped. Not wanting to live and not wanting to die.
I pray to just talk to God and if he’d give me some words of encouragement or even to let me really know he’s involved I could carry on.
He’s answered my prayers before but I need something physical to know that theres more to this world than what we just see day to day.
I just feel drained.
I had a relative have an illness and I found I had trouble praying for their recovery. Like I was just dead inside and just couldn?t feel they’d be better off here and not in Heaven.
That made me feel terrible. I’m facing some medical procedures and just can’t get past the fear. Like I?ll lose it and let my family down. Something bad will happen and I’ll feel God has abandoned me. And then I think that if I get tough and go through it, then God will have to owe me something.
A better life or at least a direct revealing of himself to me.
And what worries me is that my life will go on and I won’t see God revealed to me and I?ll lose faith.
Or maybe I won’t lose faith but feel that he owes me and this time he let me down. I feel an ingrate and yet God is God and I’m only a person so I’m allowed a little forgiveness.
I’d rather have 5 minutes talking to God or Jesus then to win the lottery.
I need a miracle.
A miracle healing would be enough for me to know God is there and wants me to keep going.
I just look at how people suffer and wonder how they cope with truly devastating injuries and disease.
I guess we all have our burdens given to us but mine have just worn me down and I need an intervention.
Maybe I’m not strong, but I guess my problems are worse than some and some people would have given up years ago.
I don’t have a difficult life but I just feel that its pointless.
Where are you God? Where are you Jesus? Why can?t I hear you? I just think that if anything happens to make my life any worse, a loved one dies or an illness gets worse I’ll just give up.
This is the worst part.
Sometimes I think about selling my soul to the devil.
I don?t really think you can do that or if he really exists but I’d offer just to see if he’d show up.
I wouldn’t and I’d never do that in fear of bringing real disaster and evil into my life, but if the devil was real that would be proof God is involved in our world.
I wouldn’t sell my eternal soul and risk damnation for earthly happiness or even the deceptive promise of it.
I pray that I never fall far enough to seriously think about that.
but thats how desperate I’ve become.
Please pray for me.