Choices

I just realised that my feelings have gone too far with taking over what I’m saying or how I’m treating you, i just can’t control it every single time something triggers it, i can’t stop myself from avoiding or ignoring you, i know I’ve been acting really toxic lately, my mood just goes off without even realizing it…

I know I’ve been very rude lately, i know I’m acting very strange, honestly i don’t even recognize myself anymore, I don’t even know who’s the real me, I can’t even remember how I was before i had this stupid feelings for you, i used to maintain eye contact with you, but now I can’t even look at you straight, I’ve tried my best to conceal what I’m feeling towards you…

and i know this is the end of it all cause being close to you feels somewhat comforting yet i can’t help but think how much pain it will cost me in the end, that’s why I’m distancing myself towards you, it’s because i’m afraid to feel the pain, I’m sick of it, I’ve felt it so many times, and I just can’t take it anymore, i had to do something, something that wasn’t so easy to do, i had distance myself towards you, i had to remove the closeness i had for you in order for this pain to go away.

it wasn’t easy for me, it’s selfish i know, but this heavy feeling needs to go away, i don’t wanna feel boulders hovering over my heart, tears falling from my eyes, hyperventilating, a sore memory that has been my soft spot for three years of our friendship…

and if i had to make a wish, i would wish for this feelings to go away so that i wouldn’t have to be so away from my bestfriend for hours, it’s not even hours, it had been days since we stopped talking, and it’s my fault.